Now that I got your undivided attention and all the women and children out of the room allow me to begin my PTR - post tournament rant.  But fear not, this will remain somewhere between PG-13 and Mature.  And Kevin, I hope to not disappoint.

 

The phone won't stop ringing, email's are bogging down my computer, the popratzy are outside my door, restraining orders are being filed, my pager won't stop vibrating, my hands cramping from all the autographs, and my dog won't stop sniffing my crotch (not sure how that last one relates but I just wanted to give my pooch, Cooper, a shout).  Do you guys know why this is all going on??   I've already sold my washer and dryer on craigslist so that can't be it, and yea, it could be that Buda released his pictures of me in the locker room to the press but even that wouldn't generate this much publicity.  

Let me tell you what all the fuss is about:  It's because just yesterday the ten members of the Portland Firefighters Hockey Club that competed in the annual Vancouver Firefighters Hockey Tournament in B.C. were crowned CHAMPIONS of our division.  That's right, those of you who are still standing please sit down because this news will make your knees buckle.  We took home an undefeated 3-0-1 record back to P-land and WON our division with the best record out of 11 teams.   It was truly an hockey tournament of epic proportions both on and off the ice and even with a short bench we showed all 4 teams we played that we were hear to compete.

One's preparation for a tournament such as this can only be accurately compared to that of an olympic athlete training for Beijing or to the dancers on "So You Think You Can Dance" (not that I've ever watched that show.....)  preparing for there final competition.  After all, it takes many months of dry land training, sprints, VO2 tests, learning to stop on both sides of your skates (Kanoff), and OK maybe a little blood doping.  And when all of the training comes together and we finally hit the ice, if we all have stayed true to our strictly regimented diet and supplements (Maple Donut Petey) then we should have what it takes to win the D level at the Vancouver Firefighters Hockey Tournament of 2007.   And that we most certainly did!!  It all came together indeed and our hard work and passion and drive to win allowed us to hoist very proudly the coveted and most treasured imaginary trophy of all.  ;  That's right, we won but there was no trophy to show it but trust me, we did win.  And in replace of skating around the ice and hoisting and kissing the cup I instead carried Walker around the locker room as we shared a moment of passionate kisses.  Clothing was optional and naturally I chose to stay clothed while Walker chose the opposite. 

 

We all learned some very important lessons these last three days.  I learned that when one is hurriedly rushed out of a bar slightly out of one's will by other men we know as bouncers make sure you grab your coat because it may be hours before your so called "buddies" will come and get you.  I also learned that taking a penalty with 2 minutes left in the game and being up by one goal will most certainly cost you the win.  Casey learned that he was in a major accident a few years back and is still a little slow and recovering from his head injuries.  Travis learned to stop on the ice and also that refs giveth and taketh away (mr. almost a hat trick).  Walker learned the true power and full effect of Ryan's Irresistible Blue Eyed Stare.  Ryan learned that sleeping with Walker is actually quite a nice and refreshing change from m e and also learned that even though he told himself he wouldn't do it very few men can resist the urge of a little caress of Walker's arm while he sleeps so peacefully.  Pete possibly learned the most valuable lesson of us all.  He learned that despite the borders, ethnicities, and racial differences that separate him from the Tim Horton's staff, they both can come together in true peace and harmony.  And even though he "doesn't speak french" a Maple Donut can still be used to set aside any hiderances and unite him and the east indian coffee lady together.  He also learned that the Canadian Customs Officer doesn't really care that the beer we brought in is for 'personal use only'.   Epps learned that when your as big as he is on the ice and find yourself on a breakaway, headed for the other teams net, somehow time seems to go in slow motion, the theme from " C h ariots of Fire" all of a sudden starts to play, and you truly have all the time you need to skate down the ice.  Kinda weird but true.  Kevin learned a valuable lesson about himself that he may or may not have already known.  He learned that a lot if not all of his decisions in life are made to either spite or srew someone else.  (you know I'm just kidding KFerg)  He also learned that on the ice he can pass me the puck and I might actually pick it up.  He also learned that his alter ego is "Kimbo Slice".  Nick learned the true meaning of 'bran muffin', 'fruit bowl', and 'trampoline' (kanoff credit).    He also learned quickly that the official drink of the PFHC were Irish Car Bombs and proceeded to buy a round at the Shark restaurant.  Thank s Ni ck.  Tom O learned quickly that he would have to stop a good 30-40 shots each game in order to give us the wins we needed.  He also learned that Pete and Epps will actually listen to him when he yells at them on the ice and most of the time will do what he says.  He was also reminded that Kanoff can actually make a really pleasant and even slightly attractive date when kept in a dimly lit environment. 

And most importantly, the cleaning lady of the Petey, Monte, Walker, and Ryan's room learned that 4 dudes and hockey gear in one small room is complete justification for calling for full encompassing, level A Haz Mat suits. 

 

Now on to the hockey.  Unfortunately they didn't have scorekeepers and sheets so I have to go from memory on the goals and I won't even attempt the assists.  Our first game was against Surrey Fire.  That's right, Cousin Todd's team.  We played with a lot of heart, passion and drive to win and it paid off.  Even when we were down 2-0 going into the 3rd period we didn't lose the motivation to win.  We managed hit the front of their twine three times in the third to give us a 3-2 win.  What a nail biter that was.  I can't remember who got all the goals but Ryan got a beauty deflection from Pete's shot from the blue line.  I took the Cuz off with me on coincidental's to the box and they tried to intimidate us with their physicality but it didn't work.  We spanked their little booties and sent Todd and his squad wallowing in shame and sucking their thumbs, begging for mercy.  (don't tell Todd I said al l that). 

 

Our second game was against Burnaby and to our surprise they didn't stack their team.  We played good team hockey with some great playmaking, passes, and puck control in their end and came up with a 6-1 victory. Goals from Ryan (2), Nick, Me, Walker, Travis.   

The third game was against Richmond.  It was a closer game due to it being our second game that day.  We were better than them but they did play well as a team.  They kept it close going into the last 2 min with us ahead 2-1.  but some complete butthead on our team managed to get a stupid penalty and singlehandedly cost us the win.  sorry again boys.

Our fourth game was against Vancouver.  probably our toughest win both in the physical and skill sense.  We were tied 1-1 going into the second with a couple of roughing penalties and hits on both sides of the ice.  Ryan got the game winner I believe.  I got a shorthanded goal to make it 3-1, and Casey got an empty netter at the end to make it 4-1.  Petey wishes he could meet their #8 in a dark alley sometime in the near future because of what he did to Epps with his stick.  I don't blame Pete, that #8 was trouble from the start when he got his elbows up on Nick with his open ice hit.  That last game was tough because we may have possibly stayed up a bit late the night before having a pajama party in Kevin's room but we still pulled together and won. 

 

We went 3-0-1 with 15 goals for and 6 goals against.  Player of the Games were:  Ryan, Travis, Nick, and Tom O but maybe not in that order.  The PFHC player of the tournament was Tom O'Connor with lots of saves, covered rebounds, went side to side, and talked it up with our D to provide some great coaching.  Good job all the POG's and especially Tom O, the PFHC POT.

 

What a great trip.  Thanks to all who went for making it a memorable one.  And a special thanks to pete for not saying anything stupid to the American Customs Officer at the border.  We saw some great hockey, played some great hockey, went to a Canucks game and sat with some bitterly hateful fans.  I didn't realize how angry the Canucks fans are toward the Calgary Flames and their followers.  I managed to get all of section 302 to hate me and chant "Flames Suck" all night long.  It was quite impressive but still a bit disturbing.  Even Georgina, the usher, chanted along with. 

Anyways, for the two of you left reading, that was the three day, four game fire hockey tournament.  Memories were made, lives were shortened, and Ego's were most certainly damaged but all in all I think we all can truly say we had a wickedly awesome time. (Even Epps). 

 

Be watching for our next Portland Firefighters Hockey event coming soon.

 

Helpful Hockey Hint #05:

Don't forget the fundamentals of hockey.  Each team is allowed 6 players on the ice at a time including the goalie and there is no worse vantage point to watch a goal against than from your own sin bin.

   

Cheers.